Many leaders unknowingly undermine their influence through the words they use. While most leaders focus on strategy, decision-making, and driving results, they often overlook the subtle cues in their communication that reveal their emotional intelligence. There is one common phrase that instantly exposes a leader’s lack of empathy and connection: “That’s just how it is.”
In my work as an executive leadership coach, I have guided leaders through understanding how their language shapes their teams. Emotional intelligence is not just about recognizing your own feelings; it’s about how you connect with others through words, actions, and presence. Leaders who fail to use emotionally intelligent language risk alienating their team members and creating a disconnected workplace. Here’s why the phrase “That’s just how it is” is problematic and what emotionally intelligent leaders say instead:
“That’s Just How It Is” Shuts Down Dialogue
This phrase communicates an unwillingness to listen or explore other perspectives. It signals to your team that their input doesn’t matter. Emotionally intelligent leaders, instead, invite discussion and are open to different viewpoints. A better approach is to ask, “How can we navigate this challenge together?” This encourages participation and shows that their thoughts are valued.
It Shows a Lack of Empathy
“That’s just how it is” dismisses the emotions of others. It can make team members feel unheard and unimportant. Empathetic leaders acknowledge the challenges their teams face. They might say, “I understand this is difficult, and I’m here to support you.” This statement not only recognizes emotions but also offers reassurance.
It Signals Resistance to Change
When leaders use this phrase, it reflects an inflexible mindset. It tells the team that things will stay the same, even if they’re not working. Emotionally intelligent leaders show adaptability. Instead of dismissing change, they say, “Let’s explore how we can improve this.” This encourages innovation and adaptability, key traits in a thriving team.
It’s the Phrase That Erodes Trust
Trust is built when leaders communicate with honesty and openness. Saying “That’s just how it is” creates a barrier, suggesting that decisions are non-negotiable without context. To build trust, leaders should explain the reasons behind decisions and involve the team in finding solutions.
It Fails to Inspire
Great leadership inspires action. “That’s just how it is” does the opposite—it leaves people feeling stuck and demotivated. Instead, leaders can say, “This is challenging, but I believe in our ability to work through it.” This kind of language inspires hope and a sense of purpose.
The words you choose as a leader are powerful. The phrase “That’s just how it is” reflects low emotional intelligence because it shuts down dialogue, dismisses emotions, resists change, erodes trust, and fails to inspire. Emotionally intelligent leaders understand the impact of their words and choose language that connects, empowers, and uplifts their teams.
Lead From Within: Emotional intelligence is key to effective leadership. The right words can either build a bridge or create a barrier—choose words that elevate and empower those around you.
#1 N A T I O N A L B E S T S E L L E R
The Leadership Gap
What Gets Between You and Your Greatness
After decades of coaching powerful executives around the world, Lolly Daskal has observed that leaders rise to their positions relying on a specific set of values and traits. But in time, every executive reaches a point when their performance suffers and failure persists. Very few understand why or how to prevent it.
Additional Reading you might enjoy:
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- 7 Misleading Phrases To Avoid In Every Leadership Conversation
- 6 Magic Phrases to Inspire Leadership Respect
- 7 Common Phrases That Can Ruin Your Leadership Credibility
- 12 Phrases That Will Help You Resolve Any Conflict
Of Lolly’s many awards and accolades, Lolly was designated a Top-50 Leadership and Management Expert by Inc. magazine. Huffington Post honored Lolly with the title of The Most Inspiring Woman in the World. Her writing has appeared in HBR, Inc.com, Fast Company (Ask The Expert), Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and others. Her newest book, The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness has become a national bestseller.