To Pretend Or Not To Pretend

Lolly, Leading from your source is essential, so we need to ensure we know our source and then develop it. Having that source of renewal, resiliency, and resourcefulness keeps us centered and activated in real leadership situations and in real life challenges. Great points throughout this article. Thanks! Jon

Well-said, Lolly. We lead best and strongest when we lead from a position of knowing who we are, what we bring to the “game” and honoring our authentic selves.

Dreamimg is good for us, but we must not neglect the celebration, lessons and foundational work of what has come before. These have made us who we are and makes it possible to live fully in the moment, while continuing to press forward.

Martina,

Yes we must honor ourselves in order to honor our lives.

Dreaming is good as you say, pretending is not.

So happy to see you here! Hopefully I will see you on #leadfromwithin tonight

Lolly

I watch my son with all his confidence. He “knows” he’s going to be an artist… and a great writer… he works each day to grow into that. That 8 year old confidence is so refreshing. We need to tap into that youthful sense of who we are and work toward becoming more of that… and know that dreams are possible.

Great stuff, Lolly! Important lesson for all of us. When we live genuine lives, we can have genuine peace.

Karin,
Such a great point. When we ‘grow up’ we forget the joy that was within us and it gets buried. So challenging to tap back into that because we have to have enough quiet time to do so.

I love this post. Thanks.

This post also reminds me of the lyrics from ‘Instant Karma’ – We all Shine On.
Who’d in the hell do you think you are, a super star?
Well, right you are

I agree with Karin how of our children can great reminders of what we were like when we were little – when we didn’t shackle ourselves with external expectations because we had a greater clarity of our inner strengths and dreams.

The simple fact is that we can’t be truthful and honest with others if we can’t be truthful and honest with ourselves.

When I was a kid, I pretended all the time…I pretended to be Daniel Boone discovering America or a cowboy pretending to fight with Indians, etc.

Fortunately, I grew up and no longer found the need to pretend to be someone I was not…and that is something that plagues many people today…they are still pretending to be someone they are not because they are not happy or fulfilled with who they are.

Following our source is the only thing that leads to happiness, joy, and contentment.

Great post, Lolly!

Life sure gets a lot easier when you accept yourself and stop trying to present an image of who you want people to think you are. We can relax into ourselves and our lives, and there’s more opportunity to be present to each moment. You sum it up beautifully – “Perfection is not the journey, our destination is authenticity.” Thanks for another great post, Lolly.

“When we pretend to be or feel what we are not, we rob ourselves the gratification of who we really are.”

I could not have said it any better, Lolly. Surrendering to the truth of who we are empowers and enables us to step out of a life of fear and limitations and into the fullness and beauty of our true selves, from which all things become possible. Thanks for another wonderful post!

“To pretend is to BE something that you don’t yet feel worthy of.”
Does it change things if we do feel worthy? Is that the difference between pretending & creative visualization?

Colleen

I am so happy you brought up the distinction between pretending and creative visualization.

In creative visualization we are visualizing ourselves in a creative way, not something we are not, not something we claim to be now, its about dreaming and wondering.

Creative visualization is the basic technique underlying positive thinking.

To pretend:
To give a false appearance of…..To claim or allege insincerely or falsely, To represent fictitiously; to make believe

With pretend you are being someone that is not you! With creative visualization you are enhancing who you are – not pretending to be someone else.

“When we pretend to be or feel what we are not, we deny ourselves the quintessence of who we really are.” This is a powerful insight, Lolly. We all have and wear (to varying degrees of consciousness) numerous persona that we present to the world and, alas, ourselves.

Once again, I’ll share the words of CG Jung (yes, I am a fan!) who stated our personas were “a kind of mask, designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others, and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual”.

As you say, it’s so true that “many of us are not living our reality because we are living pretended lives.” The danger is that our social personas (I am a doctor, I am a teacher) overwhelm our sense of self distinct from the social narratives we co-create with society. The greater the disparity between our social personas and our authentic selves, the greater the psychic and emotional toll. And each one of us has a “tipping point.”

Not that we shouldn’t have social personas—it’s part of living within a societal framework. The goal and the challenge (what Jung called individuation) is to “develop a more realistic, flexible persona that helps them navigate in society but does not collide with nor hide their true self”.

Or, as you say: “Express Your Reality…we must find our strength and move forward into our reality with the parts of ourselves we love, and embody it with everything we do.”

Methinks you and Carl would have gotten along! 😉

Lolly –

When I read this, it really hits me that the difference between pretending and being, is owning. Owning our gifts, talents, strengths and imperfections. We are equally worthy and deserving of success to the person that we most long to be. In fact, the biggest obstacle in our way can be found in the reflection in the mirror.

Thanks for the inspiration and the push! There is no need to wait until we’re enough because we absolutely are enough – today.

~ Alli

Great insight Alli…..

OWNING – is a great word, owning who you are, owning yourself, your gifts and your weakness.

or maybe instead of owning. ACCEPTING. when we accept we come from gratefulness, positivity and understanding.

What do you think about accepting?

Lolly

Hiding our true selves can be very exhausting. Only when we are able to be vulnerable and show our underneath sides can we be happy and confident.

The movie of our lives needs to be authentic where we present each of our beautiful and valuable contributions. Pretending in a role that is for show will never display our true strengths and gifts.

We just need to remember that we all have amazing talents and love to share.

As always, a remarkable post, Lolly!

When I read this Lolly, I kept thinking of that saying “fake it until you make it.” I’ve tried that advice a few times in my life and it was horrible – it FEELS fake. 🙂

Thank you for making this so clear. Being authentic about how we feel and allowing those feelings is empowerment. I love owning my feelings now even when I wish I could feel another way – owning it sets me free to just be with it, go within and deal.

Thank you Lolly – loved this post!

Hi Lolly! Like Karen this brought something else to mind – Act As If! I believe it’s the most powerful combination of three words there is!
I like the word Pretend for this concept. Let’s stop pretending we’re less than we are and recognize as you said that we could not see greatness in another unless it was already in ourselves.
Lori

It is a great joy to become one’s very own self. My mother always said to me: “Just be yourself.” It was Oscar Wilde who added, some years later, “Everyone else is already taken.” I prefer my mother’s wisdom. She also said – when feeling one’s supposed insufficiencies: “You’ve gotta be able to laugh”…and, after a pause…”No matter what!”
I agree with Karen Jolly – “fake it until you make it…FEELS fake.”
We have one chance to be real – this is it – might as well claim one of life’s great gifts, and be totally yourself.
Thanks for the post, Lolly, you are always a rich resource of practical wisdom.
Wayne

Hi Lolly,

I read about the Dunning-Kruger effect of cognitive bias earlier. I gave it some thought. I never seem to think what I do is very good, even though others do. If I lead, I do so by example. I think I prefer to underestimate rather than over estimate my abilities. I take risks, but always consider the consequences.

Great thread Lolly. Thank you for another stimulating post.

The question that arose for me as I finished reading all of the insightful comments was a practical one.

How do we be our self with absolute confidence?

For me…meditation has been the path to authenticity.

I was wondering how some of the great people…great leaders here in this community have settled into their authentic self.

Could be thought for another thread Lolly.

thanks again for the post. aloha…

What a great post. I can not pretend that I’m surprised as you always put your points across so eloquently. Such important points as well.

We are like a parcel in the old game of Pass the parcel. Starting off with little idea of what is inside, or even knowing how many layers there are. And just when you think you have it, there, another wrapping appears.

Do we pretend as we uncover a new wrapper that this is the final part and then want to prolong the inevitable end of the game. Are we pretending because we are frightened to tear that wrapping off and expose this to the world, or are we just sampling the layer with intrigue.

It is hard to really, really be yourself, when most have little idea of who they are, and in today’s cultures where we dress in certain colour, or styles of cloths, it has perhaps become even harder. Look at all the makeup, and body art we adorn ourselves in, for what, a cry to say, I am me, look. But then how many of us stand up and applaud in a cinema full of seated people when we felt the pull. Or cry openly, or laugh when perhaps others were sad because we say something someone else did not.

Is it just one of life’s defense systems, to have the aptitude to pretend, even to a point where we believe our own pretence. Nature certainly goes off on a scale of it’s own here. So is pretending part of an old survival instinct that as we evolved has got relabeled and put back up on the shelf to be used as dressing.

As Daniel Gilbert wrote:

“The brain and the eye may have a contractual relationship in which the brain has agreed to believe what they eye sees, but in return the eye has agreed to look for what the brain wants.”

As you say “When we are inspired by another it is because we recognize greatness within ourselves.” As we see something in others that feels right, perhaps we realize that there is another layer to unwrap. To grow and blossom a little more.

Or on the other side, we might feel that what we see we are not ready for, or can not see beauty within it.. Then some will try to put an old wrapper back on, pull it tight and try to conceal the folds and crinkles for a while longer.

Why, perhaps because to ask, who am I, and why am I can be frightening and bewildering .

leading from within is important as I feel it seeks to expand our own thinking beyond what we think we know, and pushes open windows into the core of who we are.

`Love the post Lolly, so many thanks for expanding my mind a little more.

Hi Lolly,

You are simply amazing! I really enjoy reading all of your content, so I decided to leave a comment expressing my appreciation for your hard work and dedication to show us the way.

To Your Success,
Stacie Walker
Woman in Leadership Founder

Hi Lolly,

Really inspiring article and quotes — there’s always a fine line between pretending until we become who we want to be and then just deluding yourself by being someone else entirely. Thanks for positing this,

Clare x
http://www.thoughtbrick.com

People can only pretend for a short time. It does not take long for a person’s true colors to shine through. It should be noted however that there is a difference between pretending and changing. Again, it will not take long before you know the difference.

Lolly,

It’s not the matter of pretend or not to pretend. What matters the most is reconnect with all heart.

Lolly,

It’s not the matter of pretend or not to pretend. What matters the most is reconnect with all heart. We are more than you believe!

Have you ever head the expression ‘Fake it until you Make it?’ This expression drives me up the wall! Nothing worse than working with people who fake things … since the quality of their work often reflects that they are indeed ‘faking’. It is better to be up front about your capabilities and so that there is no faking on the job. People need to make choices about strengths and weaknesses every day. Working with fakers makes it difficult to properly address a problem or issue … or simply get the job done when you need it done.

Now I’ve seen some FAKERS, who MADE IT, rest on their laurels and continue to be weak in the skill they profess they know. When you corner them in actually doing something in the ‘made it’ skill they are like deer caught in a spot light. They will squirm their way out of the job if given the chance. Why? Because they are disingenuous.

Lolly,

I believe that true leaders don’t spend much time or energy worrying about their shortcomings, when it makes much more sense to spend that same time and energy focusing on their strengths.

Strong trumps weak.

Psychologically, it is easier to build up your best traits than it is to try to change your worst ones. Besides, if you are great at 5 things, folks won’t notice the 1 or 2 that you are not so great at.

Cheers,
Marc

nice your post. (Y)

Well-said, Lolly. We lead best and strongest when we lead from a position of knowing who we are, what we bring to the “game” and honoring our authentic selves.

Dreamimg is good for us, but we must not neglect the celebration, lessons and foundational work of what has come before. These have made us who we are and makes it possible to live fully in the moment, while continuing to press forward.