Difficult conversations with difficult people come in all sorts of situations and circumstances. Often they involve a sensitive topic, and we worry about finding the perfect time and perfect place to approach it.
So how do you engage in a difficult conversation with a difficult person?
The answer is in the heart.
Anything that can be felt can be communicated, and anything that can be communicated can be managed.
My method of Redden Mit h’arz, translated from Yiddish, means “speak from the heart.” It can help you keep things positive and productive when entering a difficult conversation with a difficult person.
Speaking from the heart is not about the right time or place but about doing the right thing. It does not need to be role-played or practiced, because it comes straight from the heart.
Here are the fundamental:
1. Be available: listen without having an agenda or assumptions.
Don’t think Here we go again—I will never get a chance to speak.
2. Show attentiveness: listen deeply to everything that is being said. Don’t be dismissive.
Don’t think Same as always—he always has to be right .
3. Express with articulation: Repeat what was said, with vivid and great articulation.
Make it so vivid and expressive that your partner says, “Wow, you get me. I wish I had put it that way.”
Don’t think I’ve heard this a thousand times before.
4. Accept and acquiesce: Let your partner know you understand his side completely.
Don’t think I can never have a say because he won’t let me state my point.
5. Learn to acquire: Tell your partner all the things that you’ve just learned from listening to him. Sincerely let him know what you have learned from the conversation.
Don’t think He always thinks he knows everything.
By now, you have placed your difficult conversation with a difficult person in a different context.
You have made room for acknowledgment, appreciation, and approval.
Speak from the heart. Open the space for being heard.
When you speak from the heart the communication is about the other, not so much about you.
When you speak from the heart it is not about reacting but about being interactive.
When you speak from the heart it’s not about frustration but about staying engaged and connected.
When you speak from the heart there are no assumptions or judgment. You are just relating on a deeper level.
When in a bind, allow the heart to lead and let the mind follow.
Speak your mind but let your heart do the talking.
Lead from Within: In business, as in life, difficult conversations happen—with employees, peers, bosses, suppliers and customers, and with a partner or spouse, children, friends. To ignore or handle them badly can bring irreversible damage. Let the heart speak where difficulty resides.
N A T I O N A L B E S T S E L L E R
The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness
After decades of coaching powerful executives around the world, Lolly Daskal has observed that leaders rise to their positions relying on a specific set of values and traits. But in time, every executive reaches a point when their performance suffers and failure persists. Very few understand why or how to prevent it.
Additional Reading you might enjoy:
- 12 Successful Leadership Principles That Never Grow Old
- A Leadership Manifesto: A Guide To Greatness
- How to Succeed as A New Leader
- 12 of The Most Common Lies Leaders Tell Themselves
- 4 Proven Reasons Why Intuitive Leaders Make Great Leaders
- The One Quality Every Leader Needs To Succeed
- The Deception Trap of Leadership
Photo Credit: Getty Images
Of Lolly’s many awards and accolades, Lolly was designated a Top-50 Leadership and Management Expert by Inc. magazine. Huffington Post honored Lolly with the title of The Most Inspiring Woman in the World. Her writing has appeared in HBR, Inc.com, Fast Company (Ask The Expert), Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and others. Her newest book, The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness has become a national bestseller.
LaRae Quy
24. Sep, 2013
Loved this article, Lolly. I especially liked “speak your mind but let your heart do the talking.” A great piece of wisdom.
My challenges are in listening to another person without thinking to myself “here we go again.” Listening without an agenda is the most difficult for me…and that is because my mind is leading the discussion! Taming that mind to behave and stay in its place is hard for me 🙁
It comes down to communication, and it being a two-way street. We need to communicate our feelings, and we need to be heard.
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
you are so right communication is a two way street and how we walk that path is was matters.
Thanks LaRae for your insightful wisdom.
Lolly
Sam
24. Sep, 2013
” Speak your mind but let your heart do the talking.” Is a brilliant phrase.
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Sam thanks for your compliments.
Terri Klass
24. Sep, 2013
This post has such great wisdom, Lolly!
When our intentions are to just listen and not judge, we can have meaningful conversations and build authentic relationships.
I love: “When you speak from the heart it is not about reacting but about being interactive.” There is no need for defensiveness or anger when we have conversations with our heart; just an exchange where two people give value to what each one has to say.
Terri
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Terri,
you are so right when we have a conversation its an exchange where two people give value to what they each have to say.
and that interest is called HAVING HEART
Thanks. Terri for your added wisdom.
Lolly
Jon Stallings
24. Sep, 2013
Very important topic Lolly. I recently read the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” One of the things they authors suggest is that you make sure whatever you say keeps the conversation going.
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Jon, it is important to keep the conversation going with heart.
Alli Polin
24. Sep, 2013
When we speak from the heart, we’re one person talking to another person – no titles, no hierarchy, no need to be right trumping the conversation. In the moment, when I feel the pull of “here we go again” I’ll remember your words. Thanks, Lolly!
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
To speak from the heart is the essence of caring for another.
When we want to say here we go again, we must remember we are dealing out humanness of another being.
SPEAKING FROM THE HEART is showing love to humanity.
Thanks Alli for stopping by I do love your thoughts!
Lolly
Panteli Tritchew
25. Sep, 2013
Great post Lolly. When we have a difficult situation, conversation or person to speak with, it’s because politics, ideology, beliefs, values, or opinions have clashed. These all originate from the mind (ego).
In these cases, speaking from the heart cuts through (or transcends) this tangled web and brings the conversation to its simplist and most human level.
Wishing you a wonderful day, from the heart. P.
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Panteli
YOU are so right, cutting through everything with heart gives us back our soul.
Lolly
Dan
25. Sep, 2013
So beautiful, Lolly. Thank you!
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Thanks Dan!!!!!
See you on #leadfromwithin!
Lolly
Karin Hurt
27. Sep, 2013
Great article. I love all the examples of negative subtext to beware of. It’s easy to let our thinking cloud our ability to show up and realy listen.
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Dear Karin,
Thanks for your kind words. Our thinking gets in the way of development.
we say we want to change, we want to be better, but our patterns get in the way.
Listen deeply to ourselves always works
Lolly
Joe Hodgson
27. Sep, 2013
Well spoken, Lolly!
lollydaskal
27. Sep, 2013
Thanks Joe
Thanks so much for stopping by I appreciate your kind words.
Lolly
john paul
27. Sep, 2013
You have a beautiful heart. The wisdom you share, Lolly, is so true. Thank you.
Tasneem Hameed
28. Sep, 2013
It is a great implementation of Emotional Intelligence Lolly. It is an established fact that the involvement of heart in any matter makes it genuine and acceptable. It is all a question of first understanding the feelings, empathizing, and then expressing yours in a heart to heart conversation. But unfortunately most of us find it time consuming and try to do it mechanically and when it does not work pronounce our negative judgment about the person.
Thanks for reminding us again about the value of heart in our lives.
Linda
14. Oct, 2013
I just saw this article and I agree when you are dealing with difficult or sensitive topics it is best to speak from the heart. It is difficult to mis-understand what someone means when it comes from the heart.
Ruth Rooney
16. Nov, 2013
Great insights, thank you! I would add that sometimes it does help to practice what you want to say out loud so you can be sure the words speak your hearts intent. Ruth
Jacquie
25. Aug, 2014
Hi there colleagues, pleasant piece of writing and good arguments commented here,
I am really enjoying by these.
BOUBEKRI AMIROUCHE
02. Mar, 2017
“speak your mind but let your heart do the talking.” A great piece of wisdom. i find this article very important because : when you speak from your Heart to him Heart ALL goes a direct and a live
James J. Sanfilippo, Account Executive, The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD)
06. May, 2017
Another excellent article from Ms. Daskal.
My take from the article:
If you care about others, you will listen and be honest when you speak. Caring comes from the heart. This is good advice for workplace and private conversations.
match
29. Aug, 2017
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