How Leaders Can Be Lonely At The Top

Excellent points, Lolly.

We delude ourselves when we choose to believe that we can skirt around the truth of what we feel with more activity, or that others cannot see through our masks.

We cannot fully comprehend, face or work though our realities without honest dialog with others and with ourselves

We can only work to heal what we are willing to face.

Such an important post. It’s easy for leaders to feel like they have to “be perfect” and show up strong, which can create even deeper feelings of isolation. Masking feelings… Your suggestions here are useful and practical. For me the trusted advisors are vital, as well as investing deeply in my family.

Lolly – This is beautiful. Thank you.

I can remember when a friend finally confided in me that they got promoted to the job that they really wanted – SVP of a big division yet they had less happiness than ever. They were “the leader” and no longer felt like they were “one of the crowd” What they were really talking about was the isolation. This is an important post for so many. Talking about it is the first step to change.

Because of the false notion that management is leadership we wrongly place full responsibility for leadership on those who are in management. And the myth places the grandest leader crown on the head of the one who is at the “top.” But the sad, ironic reality is that those who are managers are in the position where it is most difficult to lead. Leadership requires relationship, trust, personal involvement, influence. But managers are expected to be above it all, to be objective, to show strength, use their authority for the good of the organization, don’t get personal ’cause this is business after all.
The responsibility for leadership actually falls on each and all within an organization. And those who are outside of management need to be open to leading those inside management, to respect the manager’s authority but first & foremost value them for the person they are. Treat managers as humans, vulnerable and splendid, and help them find the courage and strength they need to lead within their role as manager.
How to do that? Well, you’ve answered that well in this post, Lolly. Thank you.

Great post, Lolly. I tend to act more aloof when I’m feeling isolated…it’s a little like “you can’t hurt me if you can’t reach me” approach.

I agree that opening up to others by building trust is one of the constructive things we can do to ease the tension of loneliness.

Have a great week.

This is so good! Daniel Buhr hit the nail on the head as well. Part of the loneliness at the top is because building trust takes time and requires patience. Also, women leaders especially, when they get lonely at the top they tend to draw within themselves. They then come across as having an attitude and are often misunderstood because of it. Our male counterparts, however, draw within themselves and they’re “the boss, that’s how they act..” Amazing. Great article!

Great post Lolly! It is such an important reminder to acknowledge your feelings. Growing up we are often taught to bottle them up or dismiss them as there are seen as a sign of weakness That is wrong. We need to acknowledge our feelings in order to accept our situation, move passed it and have a more fulfilling life.

Love the post, Lolly!

I am a believer in support groups and finding other leaders who are going through similar feelings and experiences.

Separating ourselves when we grow is detrimental to both people we encounter as well as ourselves. By connecting with others we gain nourishment and rejuvenation. Never a good idea to hold our feelings in. By sharing, we always feel stronger and learn something new.

It was refreshing to read your post concerning isolation. I am a Pastor and I have counseled hundreds of people. Most often there is a common thread to why they have sought counseling, all to often they have attemped to go it alone. I believe that isolation is the bedrock for depression any many other stressors. Great post

Lolly,

Not only is maintaining a facade of unflappable confidence dangerous for the leader and the organization, it also instills unrealistic definitions of leadership for rising or aspiring leaders.

Witnessing leaders berate, bully, and demean fortified in my mind as a youngster that I would NEVER be a leader. If that what leadership was, then I wanted no part of it.

Truth is those are not the hallmarks of real leadership. It is only when leaders extend trust, be brave and show vulnerability that aspiring leaders can see what it truly means to lead.

To me, each person is a leader and manager, at least of him/herself, if not a circle of people. Taking the next step in the face of uncertainty/fear is the result of leadership and management at any level. Progressing without fallibility is delusional – it has never happened.

Lolly,

What a powerful reminder that no matter how successful you are – you still need to be a part of a tribe!

As I read your post and the comments below I felt thankful that we are living in a time when vulnerability is encouraged and viewed as a sign of humanness and strength instead of weakness.

I commanded five different units when I was in the Air Force. When push came to shove, I was accountable for everything that happened in the unit. I made a lot of decisions on a daily basis and even though I delegated generously, the decisions my people made always had a reflection of “what would the commander do” in them. I was also judge and jury when it came to maintaining good order and discipline in those units.

Although I enjoyed these assignments thoroughly, when you are in command–much like being a CEO–your peer group is extremely small. There are very few people who can relate to what you’re going through.

Over time I learned how to build in support from people I trusted and establish ‘release valves’ for the stresses of the job.

I also learned to be more and more authentic.

All of these things were very important to making those demanding jobs both rewarding and enjoyable.

Great suggestions, Lolly, as usual.

As a former CEO (5 times) I can speak from my personal experience. The old model of leadership was that the leader is lonely at the top, distant (because he or she might have to make tough personnel decisions), in command and control, and capable of handling all things.

We all know this is horse-pucky. Leaders are human with the same hopes and fears and occasional loneliness that we all feel.

Yes, there were times I had to make momentous decisions for the organization, and even after all the help and wisdom of my colleagues, knew it was a lonely call to make.

But most of the time, after the days when I got out of my ego, I felt greatly connected to colleagues and stakeholders all over the world. These relationships so helped our leadership because leadership is a group performance, not a solo act.

Reframe the issue from “the leader” to leadership that ebbs and flows among many trusted colleagues and the loneliness diminishes.

Dear Lolly,

A really nice post. While I appreciate your concept and ideas of loneliness for leaders reaching at the top, I do feel that it also depends upon the character of the leader. His actions, behavior and practices in the organization in order to achieve the position plays great role in determining the degree of his loneliness. Over and above, such loneliness is more dependent upon the type of cultural practices to reach at the top. At the same time, people reaching at the top may not feel loneliness depending upon the nature of responsibility and risk involved in the position.
There are cultures, where people get top position because of anti employee behavior. They harass employees, create fear, create difference and encourage divide and rule policy get faster promotion than those who do not follow such practices. The reason is simple- organization accept such behavior in the favor of organization. So, in such situation, reaching at the top is influenced by personal motive that may not enhance organizational growth.
There are organizations, where people are promoted based on their real performance, talent and capabilities. Such people carry everyone along with them, and hence even after reaching at the top, they remain connected with even rank and file employees. On the other side, people concerned for their position, play all sorts of games and create great space between them and employees, and hence feel isolated.
I do believe the role and responsibility at the top is different and it makes people to feel isolated many times.

Lolly, Nice article. A sensitive topic indeed, when you consider acknowledging it openly might be construed as weakness. Coup, any one?

Great post, Lolly.

There are studies out there that say many C level executives are introverts but recognize the need to connect to others in order to leade the organization in executing their goals.

You provide valuable insights and the issue of trust resonates in a big way for me. Thank you!

JP

I remember when I began my career in senior administration, a retiring superintendent said it was lonely at the top. I didn’t fully understand his comments until later. A good part of the lonliness in the educational world comes from the decrease in colleagues that you can truly share your experiences. It is a lesson that I always try to provide to my new administrators. But as you said, it is critical to find other collegues or supervisors where you can share your successes and failures openly and honestly. Great message!

Being the big boss is a complicated position to be in. It is important to admit whether you are lonely and do something about it. Begin with trusting someone. Everyone needs to have a confidant to talk to and bounce important things off of. Lolly this is a great blog.

Hi Lolly, Cool article. Yeah, creating the emotional and physical distance in an effort to separate yourself as a leader has the opposite of the desired effect on those that would need and look to you. It’s really simple- if they can’t touch you then you can’t them. Trust is a two-way street. Leading amongst is much more effective and fun; you get what you give.

I find this to be great information that is completely true. Coaching in professional sports, I see this all the time with our GM and Head coach. People avoid people in these positions due to jealousy, intimidation, or disagreement for the most part and if you combine that with the isolation you speak of I am sure it can become difficult to find yourself socially.

I think people who high positions shouldn’t over-think their authority and it would help if they chose to work with people instead of thinking as if they are working over them. It might help improve their interactions, presence, and help build a solid support system from those around them. In a way develop a comfort zone around their position that welcomes or invites others.

Thanks a lot for the article.

Lolly,

Thank you for this article. It resonated quite strongly.

My last significant role in the Royal Australian Navy was as the Captain of one of our frigates. Let me tell you ‘the loneliness of Command’ is very real. I had over two hundred of Australia’s finest men and women looking up to me and plenty of armchair experts ashore ready to second guess decisions I made.

What you said above, I can fully endorse. I took a number of steps to deal with the isolation:

– I found subordinates I coudl trust with my thoughts. I knew I could share my decision making process with them and they would contribute respectfully and carry through with any decision made. They were also not afraid to tell me if I was wrong.

– I called on other Captains in the fleet. Talking to your peers helps you realise you are not on your own.

– I was lucky enough to have a coach. The ability to talk to someone impartial was invaluable.

At the end of the day, we are never truly alone.

Thank you Lolly.

Anthony

Thank you all for sharing
Sometimes moments of crises pressurise you to retreat within yourself; this intensifies the sense of isolation. It is worth remembering that increasing your visibility at times of crises often has a positive transformational effect on the situation you face. When you increase your visibility, you become more connected to your stakeholders and your sense of isolation decreases. At times of crises the great leaders become most visible.
Tim

I so appreciate not only your insight but also your sis synced, bulleted, advice for all at the top. I am in education and can certainly relate to the challenges that face leaders.

I often find that new leaders feel the need to live up to someone’s vision of leadership and then they sometimes fall short due to that unrealistic expectation. Your post is a wonderful reminder of a step-by-step process that can help anyone who’s at the top.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Karen Wood